I woke up this morning
with crud in my eyes,
felt like a boulder
was there in disguise.
The sandman
came to visit me.
When I blinked my eyes
it felt gritty.
I love my brother.
He's very young.
Sometimes I wish
he'd watch his tongue.
He pointed at me
and to my surprise
He said,
Look, you have
poopy-eyes.
I'm being naughty this morning. Normally, I wouldn't present a poem with the word poopy in it, but this was so much fun to say "poopy-eyes," that I couldn't control myself. Used this way, I think it is a perfectly good word. Have you ever heard this term to describe the junk you get in the corners of your eyes when you sleep?
Do you know what it means when I write, I wish he'd watch his tongue? It means to think about and be careful about what is said. Maybe I should have watched my tongue this morning. What do you think? During World War II the military used the phrase, Loose lips, sink ships.
Can you write your own poem today about what it felt like when you got up this morning? What was the first thing you thought? Have fun writing.
Yes, I know I've screwed up the meter on the second stanza. I've switched the accents on gritty, if you have a suggestion for fixing this problem, please leave it in the comments below. I appreciate your help.
Hey, I think I figured out what to do about the second stanza. The meter was off, so I knew I would need to take the whole stanza apart to get what I wanted in the stanza in the right rhythm. In looking at the stanza, the important information for me was the visit from the sandman. I didn't want to loose that. Then it dawned on me, if I title the poem SANDMAN VISIT, I've got that and I can drop the second stanza for a shorter, tighter poem. I think having the jump to the brother come earlier helps and it gets the reader to the punch line of this poem faster. Now if I start with the third stanza, then the first and last, I think the poem holds together better. What do you think?
ReplyDeleteJoy,
ReplyDeleteThe changes you suggest sound helpful. In the 3rd stanza could you show that your little brother doesn't know better. Don't say you love him. Instead, say something like he stared. Show us what he's like. Good luck!
Thank you Linda, you're right as usual. I can do better than that line "I love my brother." I'll work on this some more.
ReplyDeleteJoy,
ReplyDeleteI hope we get a chance to see the revision later. When is Poetry for Kids Joy Revision Day/Week/Month?