I'm being lazy today. I'm way from home to attend my sister's birthday party and so I've been helping her, and seeing lots of family (instead of writing,) so, today's poem is one I felt compelled to write in response to a poem I read written by Jane Yolen. Her poem included the phrase winter's breath and I loved the thought of personifying winter to make it a real person. And although I have been fortunate NOT to have suffered from the cold chills and ills experienced by friends and relatives in the North East, I still feel for all those folks shoveling snow and trying to stay warm.
Do you feel winter's breath
blowing down your neck
under the scarf
you have wrapped
to muffle your mouth?
Do you feel its heartbeat
rising in chilling pounds
through the soles
of your winter boots,
collecting at ankles and knees?
Do you hear its tingles
racing in icy blocks
up fingers encased, trapped
in winter's woolen mittens?
Do you taste its strength
in the weight pressing
upon your chest,
upon your shoulders,
from its heavy winter coat?
Winter's weight knocking
us down, holding captive
while we wait to be lifted
in the bright yellow shine
of trumpeting daffodils.
This poem has a lot of gerunds in it--those 'ing' ending words. That is something I will look at when I revise this poem. Did you notice the possessive its without an apostrophe? That is one of the tricky possessives in the English language. What are some of the things you look for when you revise your work? How many "senses" can you find in this poem?
Your poetry challenge for today is to take one of your old poems and revise it. Try to include more "senses" in your revision. Have fun working on your poem.
Joy,
ReplyDeleteYou are not and I repeat not lazy. I love what you're doing in this poem. I would like to suggest changing this to first person. You may not agree. And what if you strengthen winter's character by using active voice. Omit about what we feel, hear etc. For example: Winter's breath blows down my neck. Hope you like some of my thoughts. It was fun suggesting them.
Some good suggestions here. Thanks Linda. I'll take your suggestions to heart when I revise this poem. Thanks for your help.
DeleteLazy! Pshaw! You write a LOT of poetry. I like this one a great deal. I particularly like "Winter's weight knocking us down..."
ReplyDeleteOh, thank yWinter certainly seems to be knocking a lot of folks down this year. My son told me they were predicting 10 more inches of snow last night. The students in his town have only been to school one day in the last 12. Ouch! the district is taking days away from their spring break. Poor kids. Poor parents. And with budgets so tight I bet they are considering docking teachers' pay for the days they worked at home.
DeleteJoy, I am wondering if you would like to place this poem in the gallery that I am creating, Winter Whisperings. I talk about this in my post for Poetry Friday today (2.27.14).
ReplyDeleteJoy, I am wondering if you would like to place this poem in the gallery that I am creating, Winter Whisperings. I talk about this in my post for Poetry Friday today (2.27.14).
ReplyDeleteNicely done, Joy! And yes, I feel ALL of that - it got up above freezing last Sunday for the first time in 2 months and I was outside in a T-shirt!
ReplyDelete