Good morning, Mrs. Lizard, how are you?
It's great to see you take the morning air.
Hello, Grasshopper, fine to see you too.
Lizard ate Grasshopper, how could she dare?
Then after breakfast she ran off, adieu.
I was trying something different today. I wanted to work in a longer line because I tend to prefer very short lines. These lines are 10 syllables long. But the meter is different in each line which is why I don't think the poem is successful, even though I stayed with the rhyming pattern I set up for myself.
Notice how the comas throw off the meter. I'm going to have to try this poem again--removing the constraints I artificially put on this poem and concentrate on meter and see what I come up with. I'm off to play with this poem some more. I hope you have fun writing your own poem today.
I posted this poem failure so that you could see that not all first attempts are successful.
Hi Joy,
ReplyDeleteGreat poem. Feel sorry for grasshopper, though.
I wonder how the last line would work using "toodle-oo" instead of "adieu"...
Would it make a difference changing the word order, Joy, as in "Then after breakfast off she ran, toodle-oo."
Just musing, Joy. Good luck.
Cory
Cory,
DeleteI like that suggestion. Thank you.
How great to get a glimpse into your thinking on this poem. I'm experimenting these days, too, and running into little issues, so it's nice to see what you're thinking as you work with the longer lines.
ReplyDeleteI like Cory's suggestions, but I also rather like the uneven meter because, even though the poem rhymes, it has a free verse quality to it, a casual air that I think fits the nonchalant way that Lizard greets his breakfast before devouring her! I picture him with a toothpick in his mouth at the end. :)
Great visual Renee. Thank you for your comments. For over a year now I've been toying with the idea of how a coma gets a half beat, and so it messes up the rhythm. A line break can work the same way.
ReplyDeleteI've also been interested in not looking at the line but the rhyming couplet. I can break a couplet into four lines and have a quatrain (a-b-c-b) but it really is a couplet and when I look at the rhythm, that is the unit to examine. As my friend points out, in the South Joy has three syllables.
This morning I was listening to a woman with an Indian accent talking on the radio and I noticed how her language had her speaking in 6 quick syllables (beats) before dropping down at the end of the line. I find speech and language patterns fascinating.
Joy,
ReplyDeleteI like that you share your works in progress as well as the refined ones. What if you have two lines about greeting the lizard, two for greeting the grasshopper, and two for nature's natural ending? Will you please post your revision at a later time? Thanks!