Walk
into the morning
skies gray,
clouds cover,
rain--
a bluesy day.
Put feet
on the floor,
brush teeth,
plaster a smile.
Walk into this morning
make something beautiful.
This is another poem that reads well, line by line, in either direction. This is always a good sign for me that I've got only the essential words I need to convey the meaning of the poem. I pulled a lot of words out of my draft. I had considered using the title for the last line of the poem, but in revision I decided I didn't need that line. I also had a simile--rain falls like tears-- but I thought that was a cliche, I'd heard that before. So I got rid of the simile, and it left me with the question of What can rain do but fall? So it becomes redundant to say rain falls. I got rid of falls, too. Now it is your turn. Can you write a poem about the weather in your part of the country? Then, after you have a draft, can you go back and get rid of every extra, redundant, cliche word you can find? My critique group used to tease that they bring their poems and go home with haiku after we took out everything extra, all the words that didn't contribute to the meaning of the poem. And, if you think that is bad, try critiquing haiku. It is a fun challenge because absolutely every word has to count--exactly what writers of picture books are told when they write 100 word stories.
The Poetry Friday Round Up is hosted by Buffy Silverman this week. You can find other poems by children's poets at her blog, Buffy's Blog
Thank you Buffy for hosting us this week.
Just curious, are you like me? Every time Friday rolls around, I feel like my poem for the day isn't good enough. I look at poems I've posted earlier in the week and think I should have waited and posted that poem for Friday.
Children's Poetry can make sunny days.
Thank you Buffy for hosting us this week.
Just curious, are you like me? Every time Friday rolls around, I feel like my poem for the day isn't good enough. I look at poems I've posted earlier in the week and think I should have waited and posted that poem for Friday.
Children's Poetry can make sunny days.
Your poem sounds like the weather we've had here in Virginia all week. Very bluesy. You did a nice job of paring down to essentials. It reads well! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jama. I thought of you and Cornelious this week when I bought a little tea set at the thrift store.
DeleteWe have those 'bluesy" days back too, after a few sunny & hot ones. I love the lesson, & I try, but I am too wordy. Something I always work on, Joy.
ReplyDeleteThanks Linda. And I thought you meant the message of the poem, not the editing. ;-)
DeleteThanks for sharing your revision process and your poem--love the line "a bluesy day." (And yes, you could write another entitled Things to Do On a Bluesy Day!)
ReplyDeleteLovely challenge, Buffy. I'll give it a try. Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment.
DeleteJoy,
ReplyDelete"Bluesy" is awesome. I love the turnaround. What if the last line was "A yellowish day." It's what we make of it.
Linda, I'm sure "yellowish" is a perfectly delightful word, but it doesn't do it for me. Maybe if I needed something to rhyme with licorice. I really liked the "e" sound on bluesy. OK now you've got me thinking of what poem I could write to use that word--yellowish. yell-o-wish. What would you wish for? Yellow was my favorite color for a long time.
DeleteThe ending needs to be your own. Glad I got you thinking of writing a yellowish poem. Bluesy is such a wonderful word. It reminds me of blues and jazz. Wonder what it reminds you of.
DeleteSimple its your daily activity kids
ReplyDelete